LIFE OF HERS: Is this an official invitation from God?

Do you ever faced difficulties and complications in your life? My life as I supposed never perfect as I expected when I was child. I dreamed of good, beautiful relationship with only a guy, I dreamed of having a good relationship with others, as well as smooth and perfect friendship with all my besties. I dreamed so all my wishes come true. I DREAMED THAT MY LIFE WOULD BE FULLY PERFECT! Now I realize not everything goes okay in life, there are the terms of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, :) and those will make this world goes round.

I'm not that good as others, I'm just imperfect and weak as always can be seen. Always fall down but I rise again and again. No one motivates me, except my Mum and Dad as well as Jesus. I don't blame my friends for not giving me any because it was me who hide everything. Yes, I'm a living hypocrite, but I do things for others in my own ways, I don't like people to help me and I don't like people recognize what I've done to them. I do every little things. I feel satisfied when I'm alone can see the results in silence. I love all my friends, I believe more than myself.

I still remember when I first fall in real sadness. That was 8 years ago. I humbled myself to pray and open a book. When I kept on reading, I was not even realized tears were dropped from me. From that day on, whenever I feel sad and lonely, the book will always be my companion, I believe no one cannot entertain me and gives me real hope as He did. He conveys all the messages via the book. He conveys all His Mighty Love via the book. In Him, I will never lose hope.

It might be the reason why I feel reluctant to share anything in my life with others, even with my besties. Especially when I feel sad. It wasn't that I don't believe them, but I just can say that I love them very much even though I may never show my care and love toward them.

But recently, I feel the distance between me and Him. When I feel sad, instead of opening the book as I always did, I cry. Crying I supposed doesn't help me much but I feel undeserved to open the book anymore. I avoid myself going to any fellowships, and sometimes, when I attend Mass, I concentrated less. Every night before I sleep I didn't pray much. My sister asked me to pray Rosary, but whenever I started it, I just cannot make it until the end. Besides, I feel inferior toward the people I met everyday.

I lose my strength, I lose my hope. Sometimes, I can feel that God getting mad at me, I feel He looks at me and never smile. And I will shout silently, 'God ! You look at me but You never help me!' Is He enjoying my suffering? :( I'm sinner and I just don't know what to do. It seems that everyone doesn't like me.

Things messed up in my mind today. There are many things should be done and I'm tired of thinking my problems. My boyfriend as I expected rarely understood me. But I do appreciate his presence in my life. As I typing now, I ask God for forgiveness.

Just now, my friend of mine, Karen Ting chat and asked me if I could come in her room tonight for Bible Study. Is this an official invitation from God and the sign that He forgive me? I feel lifted up and I praise God in everything. It has been a long while. I miss the Rosary and worship songs during my time in Convent, I miss all religious those who had taken care of me and I miss Mama Mary and Jesus Christ. He never stop loving me and His heart beating endless for every people, every nations.

Jesus, forgive me. . and allows me to post this for your glory. Alleluia. For I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, still You hear me when I'm calling, and catch me when I'm falling.