A CALL

Friend of mine gave  me a call today and  she told me what happened to her. I was little upset when listening that she was not so happy there. She told me that she was lonely, it's like she has to stand by her own even though it's not likely appear like that. She has a loving and wonderful boyfriend, she has funny and kind friends. May be she's thinking too much, but I can't judge her either by that perception. May be she's right. That she's lonely, inside. She told me that she can sense that some of her friends there seem to hate her. When I asked why, she just silent and after a while she told me that she has done nothing wrong as far as she concerns. Why did people hate her for no reasons? But I couldn't ask her that, the question remained in my head. She said that may be it's all her fault, may be she was just too annoying. 

Her tears really broke my heart even we were only talk on the phone. How I wish I was there and give her a hug. How I wish I could share every sadness and tears that she's in. In fact, we are sharing everything :) She also said that one of her teachers didn't like her and again with a tears broke in her voice she said that may be because he just too annoying without she realizes it. I comforted her by saying that may be it's only her assumption, her negative assumption. Again, it's really hurt the part of me when she said that it's like the particular teacher always seems condemn her in everything, every classes of the particular subject she attends. She said that obviously the teacher didn't like her. I could't utter a word, I've been knowing her too long, too long than anyone else.

I know when she really smile and when she just faking her smile. I know her too much. It's hard for her to smile actually, I knew that, she found it so hard to smile when she knows that everything is hypocrite around her. Seriously, how would you smile or even laugh for something that hurts you, too much? This world, the place you live in, or even your surrounding? Everything seems so biased. Therefore, it really upsetting me when she told me that she really tired for faking her smile for too long, she asked God to take her life and let her having her true mercy in Heaven. 

I ended up crying with her. Together. And I felt the rhythm of our tears, unite as if I can put myself in hers. 

Even how much she really miss the Father in Heaven to take all her sadness, to lift her up with happiness and to rest in peace, she said that her love towards her family and beloved ones and even friends seems blocking  her way. She still have family that really understand her every single feelings and her boyfriend. Finally, her voice sounded flat and excited when she told me about his boyfriend. She said that her boyfriend is her best friend and everything. I know and I understand her feeling, though. ;) She even said that she was happy today, when another friend of hers told her that her boyfriend said to his another friend (How complicated is that?) that 'he will make her happy and treat her nicely as if he treats his wife' how's good was that? How's nice, wonderful, how's lovely was that? I bet my friend is the happiest person in the world as she knew that. I'm happy too, for her :) She said that she really love her boyfriend. Now's she's talking like she doesn't have any problem. See, what the power of love can do? Love taking over all her sadness and obstacles she has in life. May be not all, but as long as it can make her smile. Natural smile.

I pray for her that everything gonna okay and fine in her life. No sadness but happiness. But I think it's okay to be sad and being hated sometimes (even for no reasons), because it will make you even stronger to face this unfair life. Sometimes, we should thank our haters. 

As long as she's happy, I'm happy too. I ask God for forgiveness and peace. 

Again. (2012)

Here we go again. It's been a long while since last year. And here I am, not exactly me, but my heart. 

It's coming, again. My head was spinning, my weak body nearly come to collapse. I don't know what was happening in Melati just now. May be the lecturer was talking about PBS, something like that. I was only paying attention to the soundless video, which attracted my attention in the first place. The rest of the precious time, I was on my own, my very own. Drawing something which I'm not sure, it's look like eyes or face, I believe. Ya, I am an artless student who actually tried to draw an EYE which captioned, 

" SHE IS NOT A HUMAN, NOT BECAUSE THE EYE, BUT BECAUSE SHE HAS NO HEART. FEELINGLESS BUT YET TEARS FALL AWAY."

People besides, behind and even those who sit in front seemed on their own world. Some was talking with their friends, others was looking at their cells. Claire, I believe, also felt very boring, but lucky her, she got her S2 which I think very friendly and giving-fun phone.The weather was very hot and I'm sweating badly. I never felt such boring situation, perhaps, so far. I try to pay attention to the lecturer but I just can't. The writing on the screen seemed punch me on the head. Therefore, I don't look at the screen at all. I try to focus on my drawing but once I held my head up, a lecturer who stood next to the other lecturer was like staring at me. Giving his focus-on-the-slides-and-respect-the-lecturer look. For a moment, I pretended to look critically on the slides. Konon. Then I came back to my drawing. Suddenly, I felt numb inside my head, my eyes almost closing. I then realized I'm not okay. Luckily the briefing eventually come to a stop. We cancelled our plan to jog today. Plus, how am I going to jog with my unwell body? Head. to be exact. I don't know what was happening to me. Am I sick? It's been couple of months I didn't take my medication. Iron pills. Is it coming back? I think it's because I don't drink enough water, or insufficient sleep. I really hope it is simple as that. 

I'm thinking too much on our relationship lately. And I don't know what was happening to us. Are we okay, sweetheart? Is this relationship running well? I hope so. 

Just now, he was then accompany me when I was walking with Farhana. I really want to talk but my voice can't get out properly and I think it was then remain in my throat. I want to tell him I don't feel well, I need him, I want to tell everything what was myself experiencing in Melati just now. But I know it might only ruining his mood and ask me to have rest. I don't want him to be like that, because he will avoid to text me because want me to have my rest. But along the walk, I felt terribly weak and I thought I'm going to faint. I feel so sad with myself, disappointed with myself as I saw him walk away from me. It seems that I'm burdening, bothering him. And out of my consciousness, I sent him message and after a while I guessed I was being so mean. What would I think I have done? I'm sorry for both things. I'm sorry for sending that message and I'm sorry too if I really have burdened you. :(

3.17 AM

It's 3.17 am, Feel satisfied because managed to finish all slides of Gerko Presentation for my group . Bet everyone relax today, baru hantar assignment, maybe not all of us aware of the tomorrow's presentation, I almost forgot,too. I don't know if the work would be accepted but I already try the very best. Started since 2 am. Not bad la kan. Oklah, my tired eyes need rest. Thank you for your cooperation! Muahh.

Jill!

Each time I urged myself to sabar when dealing with ppl, I'm able to do it, but whenever I urged myself NOT-TO-JEALOUS, it's very hard, mengalahkan soalan add maths, practically, mengalahkan benda-benda pelik freaking hard d dunia. kalau la ada UBAT-PENAWAR-JEALOUS, ataupun PIL-PENGHILANG-MEMORI-SESUDAH-TERDETIK-RASA-JELES kan bagus. x pyhla ssh hati fikir benda mcm ni, bgs ssh hati sampai pengsan fkir assgnment.


Dengan ini sy mengisytiharkan, Jill Erice Jimmer adalah creature paling tortuous di dunia.






Jill, grow up. 

19th August 2011

Peeps, suddenly something popped out in my mind. No money, no talk No pain, no gain. (My status for today)


Good night :) God bless you!

_________________________
I have added cool emoticons to this message.
To see them go to http://x.exps.me?e56f91589e8496217cf4d4c4cae0ade5

I'M REALLY GETTING OVER YOU

I found your picture in my laptop
Still got your sweater in my closet
And all your letters in my boxes

And people ask me how I'm doing?
But every question still has you in
I say I'm fine
And I never think about you
As you're almost forgotten

I'm getting over you!
I'm getting over you most of the time!
If I say it like I mean it
Then maybe I'll believe it like it's true


I've been playing all the songs you hated
As if it is the one that I much loved
And I'm having fun
And I'm better off without you
And I think it's what I want


Even if it takes forever
I'll get myself together
I've been doing be so much better





and you'll never win the heart back 
since the very moment you dropped it.

MYSELF IS MY OWN FOE

I HATE MYSELF .